How to Enjoy Burning Man from Home
How to enjoy the Burning Man Experience from the Comfort of your Own Home (just in case you felt bad about not going):
- Tear down your house. Put it in a truck. Drive 10 hours in any direction. Put the house back together. Invite everyone you meet to come over and party. When they leave, follow them back to their homes, drink all their booze, and break things.
- Stack all your fans in one corner of the living room. Put on your most fabulous outfit. Turn the fans on full blast. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.
- Buy a new set of expensive camping gear. Break it.
- Lean back in a chair until that point where you’re just about to fall over, but you catch yourself at the last moment. Hold that position for 9 hours.
- Only use the toilet in a house that is at least 3 blocks away. Drain all the water from the toilet. Only flush it every 3 days. Hide all the toilet paper.
- Set your house thermostat so it’s 50 degrees for the first hour of sleep and 100 degrees the rest of the night.
- Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your body. Forget how you did it. Don’t go to a doctor.
- “Downsize” last year’s camp by adding two geodesic domes, a new sound system, art car, and 20 newbies.
- Don’t sleep for 5 days. Take a wide variety of hallucinogenic/emotion altering drugs. Pick a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Spend a whole year rummaging through thrift stores for the perfect, most outrageous costume. Forget to pack it.
- Shop at Wal-mart, Cost-Co, and Home Depot until your car and trailer are completely packed with stuff. Tell everyone that you’re going to a “Leave-No-Trace” event. Empty your car into a dumpster.
- Roast and give away 1,000 hot dogs to strangers while singing your favorite obscure Tom Lehr songs.
- Listen to music you hate for 168 hours straight, or until you think you are going to scream. Scream. Realize you’ll love the music for the rest of your life.
- Spend 5 months planning a “theme camp” like it’s the invasion of Normandy. Spend Monday-Wednesday building the camp. Spend Thurs-Sunday nowhere near camp because you’re sick of it or can’t find it.
- Walk around your neighborhood and knock on doors until someone offers you cocktails and dinner. Or acid.
- Leave a nice couch on the side of the highway.
- Bust your ass for a “community.” See all the attention get focused on the drama queen crybaby.
- Parade around naked and then complain that someone is ‘oggling’ you.
- Get so drunk you can’t recognize your own house. Walk slowly around the block for 5 hours. Tell your boss you aren’t coming to work this week but he should “gift” you a paycheck anyway. When he refuses, accuse him of not loving the “community”.
- Search alleys until you find a couch so unbelievably tacky and nasty filthy that a state college frat house wouldn’t want it. Take a nap on the couch and sleep like you are king of the world.
- Ask your most annoying neighbor to interrupt your fun several times a day with third hand gossip about every horrible thing that’s happened in the last 24 hours. Have them wear khaki.
- Go to a museum. Find one of Salvador Dali’s more disturbing, but beautiful paintings. Climb inside it.
- Before eating any food, drop it in a sandbox and lick a battery.
- Mail $200 to the Reno casino of your choice.
- Spend thousands of dollars and several months of your life building a deeply personal art work. Hide it in a fun house on the edge of the city. Hire people to come by and alternate saying “I love it” and “this sucks balls.” Blow it up.
- Set up a DJ system downwind of a three alarm fire. Play a short loop of drums n’bass until the embers are cold.
- Make a list of all the things you’ll do different next year. Never look at it.
- Have a 3 a.m. soul-baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a crocodile and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you’re hallucinating.
- Lust after Bugs Bunny.
BONUS – What you can do in SF while everyone is away. EMPTY CITY FUN
1. Grabbing a table at the always-packed bohemian hangout Revolution Cafe is cutthroat competition, but during Burning Man you won’t have to wait two hours just to sit down.
2. Have you ever tried to throw a barbecue at Golden Gate Park only to find out that every grill has already been taken? Gather your friends pronto and make your way to Marx Meadow.
3. The bathroom wait at Dolores will be 20 minutes instead of the usual 45.
4. There isn’t a better time to go camping at spots like the Marin Headlands or the Samuel P. Taylor State Park. But make sure you got your gear ahead of time, because most outdoors stores have probably rented all their stuff out because of Burning Man.
5. We’ve all wanted to do brunch at places like Mission Beach Cafe and Dottie’s but have shied away because of the line. Well, you know what they say, when the Burners are away, get your brunch on at Mission Beach Cafe!
6. Every bar you’ve ever complained about being too crowded (looking at you Beauty Bar and Madrone Art Bar) will have some temporary breathing room.
7. It will sure be nice to walk down Haight and Valencia streets without bumping into people every four steps.
8. Best of all, you don’t have to hear your friends go on and on about how awesome Burning Man is going to be this year.